Unfaithful
by sleepy-emo
Summary: Lucy knows that Loke knows she's unfaithful and it kills him inside to know that she is happy with some other guy. Written for NaNoWriMo 30/50/15 challenge, songfic of Rihanna's song of the same name.


**Hello all, just a quick Loke/Lucy drabble here where Loke's not a womaniser - I know, shock horror! Hope you enjoy this and any other of my NaNoWriMo songfics I've posted this month :)**

It's the story of my life. I'm always searching for the right thing; the right job, the right house, the right car, the right guy but it keeps avoiding me. I mean don't get me wrong I have a ok job, the house I live in is reasonable and my car runs, which is more than I can say for my friend Cana's. But guys? No guys are a different story. I've always had problems with shit guys and bad relationships. The guys I've been with have either cheated on me, stolen from me and generally destroyed my self-esteem to the point where I was just about ready to give up on them completely. So I got into a bad habit of every time I got myself a new guy I would cheat on them before they had the chance to cheat on me. A shit thing to do, I know but in my head it made sense.

Then I met Loke. Loke was the nicest guy I had ever met; he was sweet, he was charming and he didn't get drunk and wrap my car around a telephone pole the first time I said he could borrow it when his was at the garage. He was the perfect guy and when he said that he wanted me to be his girlfriend and wanted me to move in with him I was the happiest I had been for a very long time. He took me as I am; flaws and everything and he really loves my company. He's more than a man and this is more than love, because I do love him – I really do despite what some people may think. To me Loke is everything; he is the reason that the sky is blue. But now it's a sky where dark clouds are starting to roll in.

Because despite the fact that I love Loke with all my heart and soul because he is the one man who had been good to me my entire life I still haven't been able to change. As soon as he's off to work or out for any length of time I'm gone again. I can't quite work out whether it's because I'm still so fucked up in the head from some of the last boyfriends I've had or because I'm just a despicable person who can only cause pain even to the man she loves but I do. Even though I would give him the world and I love him more than anything, to him I just can't be true.

It began not that long after we first got together; he was away on business for the weekend and he introduced me to the girl he was going with – some girl called Karen who was all legs and breasts. As soon as I saw the way she was flirting with him I knew that there was no way he wasn't going to sleep with her while away so that evening, I went out and found the first man I could and slept with him. His name was Gray and I barely even remember what he looked like, I didn't care I just wanted to do something to stop myself from feeling so helpless. I felt sick after doing it but I felt that I was justified at the same time – Loke was undoubtedly off having sex with this Karen girl so there was no reason that I should feel bad for sleeping with someone else.

Then Loke came home on Sunday night and had told me that Karen's boyfriend had shown up and proposed to her. By the sounds of it it was all very sweet and he hoped that one day maybe we would be at that stage in our relationship. Throughout all of this I had smiled and done the typical girlie thing of cooing at the romantic nature of it all but inside it had felt like my heart had stopped beating. As soon as I found out that I had been the one to cheat because I was so fucked up from my previous boyfriends that I didn't trust the one man who had never given me a reason not to I felt as if my entire body had shut down.

I told him I'd fix him something for dinner if he wanted a shower and as soon as he left the room I broke down. I sat and cried, sobbing my eyes out until he came back down and found me still weeping. He pulled me close to him, held me and asked me what was wrong. That just made me cry even more. How could I tell him? How could I tell him that I had been so certain that he was going to be unfaithful to me that I went out and slept with someone else out of spite without even thinking about it? What kind of person does that?

I could see the pain in his eyes as I confessed everything to him and once I had finished I waited for the explosion. I waited for him to scream at me that I was a good for nothing whore who would sell herself to anyone who came along. I waited for him to get angry, to tell me that it was over and that he never wanted anything to do with me or see me ever again. But the explosion never came. He put his arm around me and hugged me, smoothing my hair as I continued to cry and told me that everything was going to be ok. He was more concerned that my previous boyfriends had messed me up so badly that I didn't feel I could trust anyone.

The fact that he was so nice to me only made me cry more and I felt my heart break as he looked into my eyes before kissing me softly. I promised not to do it again, if he could find it in his heart to forgive me and give me another chance, and he promised that he would never ever give me a reason not to trust him, if I would allow him to take care of me. When he said that I knew that I had found the one person I was meant to be with. We made our promises and then he took me upstairs to make love.

At least one of us kept our promise.

Every single time Loke went away on business, no matter whether there was another woman with him or not, I couldn't seem to get the image of another woman on top of him, bringing him pleasure, out of my head. Loke had never given me a reason not to trust him and he had continued to keep his promise of doing so but every time he was away I would get paranoid and jealous then I would go out and by the end of the night find myself in the arms and bed of another man.

Each and every time I hated myself for it and each and every time Loke would notice the slight change in me when he returned home. Sometimes he would even smell another man's aftershave on my clothes and even once found another man's shirt in the house when I hadn't been careful but he never called me out on it. He'd just sigh, look at me sadly, as if waiting for me to confess, and then continue on as if nothing had happened when I didn't. My cheating was getting more and more frequent and I just couldn't seem to stop; like an addiction I couldn't shake no matter how hard I tried.

And today was no different.

Loke was getting ready for work – having spent the morning at home for an afternoon meeting that would lead until late at night – and I was getting ready to go out and find myself some 'company' for the evening. I knew that he was going to be working; of course he was going to be working, he had never once done what my brain always told me he did but I couldn't stop picturing it. He glanced over at me from his place on the bed as I finished zipping up the dress that was just understated enough to arouse a man but not suspicion.

"I'm sorry I won't be home tonight," he said giving me a small, apologetic smile. "if the meeting finishes early then I'll be back early but I promise I'll make it up to you at the weekend when I'm off."

"It's ok, I understand." I reply turning to give him a reassuring look. "The meeting's important, you can't miss it." I turn back to the mirror in front of me and continue doing my hair, feeling the tension in the air. Once I had finished he got to his feet and came over to me, placing his hands on my waist. He turned me slowly around to face him and I felt something icy clench around my heart.

"You look beautiful." he told me before leaning in to kiss my lips softly. Reluctant to accept the kind gesture I turned my head away at the last moment and he kissed my cheek but the gesture was still so gentle I felt sick. Why did I have to be like this? Why can't I stop hurting him? "What's the special occasion?" he asked, his tone trying to be light as he began fixing his own hair in the mirror.

"Nothing much." I reply shrugging as I put on a little mascara. "I'm just hanging with the girls; Levy, Erza and Cana wanted to have a girlie day and as I haven't seen them in a while I thought I'd make myself look a little special." A lie I didn't have to tell. I saw Loke falter ever so slightly and I wondered if he was going to call me out on it. But he didn't, he never called me out on it, he was too much of a gentleman for that.

"I hope you have a good time." he smiled at me. I wished he hadn't. I wish he wouldn't be so nice and understanding and forgiving because we both know where I'm about to go and we know it very well.

"I will." I told him even though I felt disgusting just saying the words. "Will you text me if you are going to be home early, then I can wait up for you." I said when the silence became too much for me to bear. He smiled and kissed me once more.

"Of course I will." he told me before picking him his suit jacket from the back of a chair and pulling it on. "I better go or I'm going to be late."

"Yeah me too." I said grabbing my own jacket.

He left the house before I did, getting into his car but he waited until I was out the door before he started it and half way down the road before he began to drive. I could feel him watching me as I walked away and I dared not turn back to look at him because I knew that all I'd see is hurt in his eyes and it would make me want to walk off the pavement and into the midday rush. I wish things were different, I wish I was different. I wish I didn't hurt him so much but it's become a compulsion now and I can't seem to stop.

And I know that he knows I'm unfaithful and it kills him inside to know that I am happy with some other guy (if you could call using them for a few hours when I can't block out the thought that Loke is sleeping with someone else happy.) I hate myself for causing him this much pain especially as when he knows that I have gone too meet a guy or he knows that I'm going to I can see him dying inside.

Suddenly my feet stopped and I was suddenly standing in the middle of a bridge, cars on the road behind me and I was looking down at my feet as the realisation of what kind of person I have become hit me. I don't want to do this anymore; I don't want to be the reason why Loke always looks so sad and hurt. Every time I walk out the door and into the arms of another I can see him die a little more inside. I don't want to hurt him anymore but I don't know how to stop myself from hurting him.

I pulled my phone out oh my purse and with shaking hands I dialled his number. It rang for a while and I could imagine that he was parking the car, not wanting to answer while he's driving. Eventually he picked up, just before it kicked into voicemail.

"Lucy?" he asked a little confused. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing," I said. "I just didn't feel too good so I texted Erza and said I was going to go back home and she said that she's sick too so we've rearranged our meet up." I could feel tears brimming in my eyes and spilling down my face as I spoke but I managed to keep my voice steady.

"Ok are you heading back home now?" Loke asked, a hint of surprise in his voice.

"Yeah," I replied as I began walking back in the direction of home. "I'm going to have a lie down and see how I feel later."

"Ok, do you want me to come back and look after you?" he asked and I had to stifle a small moan of anguish. How could he be so nice to me after everything I'd done to him?

"But you have to work." I said somehow managing to keep my voice steady as I continued to sob by the side of the road.

"I can call in sick for one day." he stated. "The meeting's not that important." I knew he was lying about that but I also knew that he understood what I was trying to tell him in this instance. He knew that I was saying that I was going to change my ways and stay faithful to him from now on.

"Ok." I choked out unsure of what else to say.

"Listen you go home and get back into bed," he told me. "I'll call work, pick us up something to eat and come join you. That sound good?"

"Yeah." I replied in a small voice.

"Ok, I'll see you soon." he stated. "Lucy," He caught my attention just before I was about to hang up. "I love you."

"I love you too." I replied before he hung up the phone and I slipped mine back into my purse. I wiped the tears away from my eyes and continued in the direction of home. That was the first time I had ever said that too him. Maybe I really could change.

**9 down, 6 to go - it's nearly over!**


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